I feel as if my psychiatrist told me at my last appointment, that situational SI is harder to treat with meds.

It feels as if almost I haven’t been trying.

Haven’t went to Meetup Events, haven’t been on Bubmle, haven’t been looking at grad schools, or asking my boss for Letters of Recommendation.

I like my current therapist but I am only able to see her about every 3 weeks. Part of me wishes that I could have stuck with my old one but I went off the recommendation to find one I can see every week (even thought it didn’t end up like that).

To compensate he recommended a Intensive Outpatient Programs (IOPs).

To call would be still trying, but I’m tired of trying and not seeing the benefits.


Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS)

I saw the psychiatrist Monday.
We are trying a third medicine.
He also mentioned I would be a good candidate for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS).
I haven’t done much reading on it yet but it doesn’t help that the first story I read was “TMS Ruined My Life!”
Treatment would be 5 days a week. I don’t even know how I would do that with work.

I hate having to cycle through all these medications.
I hate waiting 3-4 weeks to see if I stop feeling like shit.
I hate the side effects.
I hate waiting to feel better.

I’ve been using weed to self-meditate and honestly at this point I can’t tell if it’s helping or hurting.
I need to cut back anyway because its expense.

I wonder how much of my depression/anxiety is just my environment and not my brain?

I’m tired.

I’ve only had 2 sessions with my new therapist but so far I like her.
There is only one bad thing: she doesn’t take health insurance.

I get 6 free sessions through my employers EAP, but after that it’s $175 a session. Even with my FSA, I don’t think I could afford it.

At our last sessions she thinks part of my SI comes from my current self not aligning with my true self. I definitely agree.

The goal for next week is to look at graduate schools.


Saturday, while waiting to let Axle in, I passed out.

I stood up, got dizzy and blacked out.

Messed up my ankle, possibly hit my head and for sure hit my neck

I was trying so hard to avoid the ER and had to go again. Spent my whole Saturday with my mom there. Ran EKG(?), CAT scan, blood, urine and they all came back normal.

I’m just scared I’m going to pass out again.

I’m still alive. I’m not sure why I haven’t blogged in forever. I know it’s good for me.

Since the last time I’ve wrote, I’ve changed psychiatrist. So far I’ve tried 2 different medications. The first which worked amazingly for the first 4 weeks. And then slowly tapered off and I started to feel like crap again. This one made me develop dyskinesia on a higher dose which was fun trying to hide. Now I’m on something new, which will be increased in a few days. Its scary, trying new medication. I’m scared of side effects and how it interacts with my other medication.

I was also seeing an amazing therapist. But my psychiatrist told me I need to see somewhere more often than once a month so I had to cut ties with her, which makes me sad. She was pretty great.

My diagnosis remains the same, dysthymia (persistent depressive disorder) with suicide ideation and generalized anxiety disorder. I call the suicide ideation my SI. Its nice that it has a name and I’m not just crazy.

The hard part, which it always is, is finding a new therapist. I hate having to start over.

I am drowning in debt. My medical bills have surpassed my car note, surpassed my student loans. After coming home from work today (had to go into the office) I started talking to my parents. It was pointless. I got no sympathy & no suggestions. Sometimes, I just want them to hear me out and sympathize with me. I guess I should know by now not to expect that from them.

I’m frustrated with American politics, healthcare and culture. Even more so the fact that congress is trying to overturn Woe vs Wade. Yes, lets force a woman to keep a pregnancy even though we don’t provide paid maternal leave, affordable health care, or affordable child care.

Any Canadians want to marry me?

had a dentist appointment today.

She fucking noticed… She said my demeanor was different and asked if I was in therapy.

I shouldn’t be shocked. Its not like I’m trying hard to hide how unhappy I am..but damn..my fucking dentist?

I don’t understand days like today. Nothing went wrong, yet I feel like shit. Nobody yelled at me, work was boring but fine, and I didn’t get into any arguments with my family. In comparison to yesterday where I got everything done, worked out, ate good, decent mood.

Such a large drop in my mood, I don’t understand. I feel shitty, depressed and that suicidal ideation is creeping in.

I’ve been trying to cut back on my weed because it’s 1) expensive and 2) and I get bad munchies (and I’m already fat)

I think I’m just going to cave and smoke a blunt, pig out, and play video games.

My coping mechanism is smoking too much weed after work and eating too much.

The weed makes me feel less numb.

I guess I didn’t expect her death to affect me that much.

Yes, she was grandmother, but I wouldn’t say we were close. Her religion (and later the stories my mom told about her) lead me to keep more of a distance later on in her life.

Her death has made me question my own mortality. Made me question, what’s the point if we all just die?

Made me think about the times I wanted to commit suicide and knowing that if I went through it my dad would have broke down harder than he did for grandma. There is no telling what my mom would have done.

My brain is all mudded up.

The funeral is Sunday. I am not ready. I hate crying in front of people.